Manifesto

I’ve gone on record saying that sleep is a valid form of feedback for a lecture. In hindsight I think I may have occasionally slept through the wrong lectures.

I avoided Obama Derangement Syndrome for 8 years; I’m pretty sure I can avoid Trump Derangement Syndrome as well–2 years and counting.

I think smartphones make people stupid, “fast food” should drop the “s”, and cats are bird murderers.

I think the world is drowning in chardonnay and chipotle salsa. Give it a break.

I like rare steaks, frequent cocktails, classic piano jazz, and downhill skiing. I avoid bourbon whiskey,  bleu cheese, rap music, chick flicks, and cat ladies.

I’m terrified of killer soccer moms driving urban assault vehicles, and Truckheads who blast down the  interstate to have enough time to spend 5 minutes backing into a too-small parking space.

What’s with back-in parking anyway? Is everyone planning an armed robbery, that they need to make a quick getaway?

Some folks tell me “Love me, love my dog.” I hate your mangy dog.

I think Melania Trump can make American glamorous again.

I think our everyday civilization is being trashed with noise, both idle, meaningless  chatter, and overamped background music. All of America needs to take a quiet walk and have a big cup of Shut The F Up.

I understand the Iron Law of Distribution: who has the gold makes the rules. On the job, I will toe the Company Line, salute smartly, shut up and color, and declare that a Good Time Was Had by All. But I’m also a firm believer in Irish Democracy, so I know how to work to rule, kick the can down the road,  and slow roll a bad policy. I may rise, but I need not shine.

I think men and women are different; everyone is capable of charm, grace, and industry; and beauty exists in the world, despite what some intellectuals and artists tell us.

I will give up my plastic straws, stick shift, and cocktail shaker when they pry them out of my cold dead hands.

For these unfashionable and triggering thoughts, I hereby denounce myself.